I came across this phrase last night, quite late into the evening. In my last post I mentioned that I have been praying about what I am to be doing during this transition period- support raising, catching up with old friends, lessons I need to learn before leaving, etc. I've spent a few nights tossing and turning. Waiting on Him for an answer is not my favorite thing to do. Without His direction, I have no peace. Voices swirl around me, constantly offering me advice or a helpful solution. But none are the Voice I long to hear. Even as I am writing, I remember the days when I would have gladly chosen any of those over the one most necessary. I have struggled with several aspects of my journey to Espana. He knows every one and his eyes have not been far from me. But they felt far from me. So I have been waiting for him to speak. "What do I do? What should I say? Whom do I tell of your works?" When finally, my searching eyes fell across the words above. I was reminded of all the He has brought me through during my time in college. There has been no mistaking his activity and purpose in my life. But as this chapter of my life closes and a new chapter sits atop the coming horizon, I can't help but wonder where His story fits into the scene. He reminded me that I was once that straying sheep and that my return has not been because I brought myself back or because I overcame but because He was the Shepherd and Guardian of my soul. And even in my return, He remains the one who does the action. I struggle because I am a woman of action. I long to be doing something. These are just a few thoughts you may find amusingly familiar, "Ok, time is running out. I am supposed to be doing x,y, and z and this is how I've been taught to do it. I know you are supposed to be the Provider but am I supposed to just sit here and wait for your plan? Can't I just do what everyone else is doing? If I don't take their advice then they will think I'm not being teachable or that I'm just being lazy. This is really a critical time!! Where are you??? I'm trying to listen to you and find out what you want me to do but it's getting really difficult!"
All the while He longs for me to be still. I want to submit to His will but I do not want to wait. My flesh wants to do, do, do; while the Spirit within me seeks to follow Truth. The trick is trying to stuff my will down into the dark crevice where it belongs.The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Make no provision for the flesh. I am afraid of who I am without His words. I am afraid of the fleshly works I could create and label with spiritual expressions. I am afraid of creating my own idol and making my own way. So I wait with anticipation for his solution, his answer. The words of Jeremiah seem so fitting now:
"Now the word of YHWH came to me saying, 'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations.' Then I said, 'Alas, Adonai! Behold, I do not know how to speak, because I am a youth.' But YHWH said to me, 'Do not say, 'I am a youth,' because everywhere I send you, you shall go, and all that I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them, For I am with you to deliver you...Behold, I have put My words in your mouth."
In all of my fear and uncertainty, His still small voice reminded me that I am a messenger of Living Truth. He has put His words in my mouth. I do not have to be afraid because He is with me. Fear paralyzes us and prevents us from continuing to build. But the Truth sets us free to resume work on the task in front of us. I don't have to make a sales pitch or pretend to be someone I'm not- I just have to tell His story, to proclaim the favorable year of the one who has sent me.
"And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when face with death."
"For from the days of old they have not heard or perceived by ear, nor has the eye seen a God besides you who acts on behalf of those who wait for him."
We are the builders- those who seek God. Those who must build from the Cornerstone. Those who must surrender their will and obey. For without our obedience, we become like the builders who rejected the Cornerstone and stumbled over Him.
As I enter into this new era of my life, I consider the theme that surrounds it. There is a time to "pluck up and break down, to overthrow and destroy, to build and to plant."This is the time to build and to plant. There will be Oil of gladness instead of mourning, a garland instead of ashes-a planting of the year of Adonai. "And they shall be called oaks of righteousness that He may be glorified."
Thank you for hearing me. You counsel me with your eye upon me. You have heard my distress and answered me. Thank You for planting Your vision within me and directing me to carry out your commands. Teach me to fear only You. When I fear man, my flesh is strengthened and I lose sight of your vision. Ayudame, Senor. Necessito solo Tu. I am refreshed in you. Tu eres el Guardador de mi Alma. You are the Guardian of my soul.
No comments:
Post a Comment