Guardador de Mi Alma

"For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls." 

I came across this phrase last night, quite late into the evening. In my last post I mentioned that I have been praying about what I am to be doing during this transition period- support raising, catching up with old friends, lessons I need to learn before leaving, etc. I've spent a few nights tossing and turning. Waiting on Him for an answer is not my favorite thing to do. Without His direction, I have no peace. Voices swirl around me, constantly offering me advice or a helpful solution. But none are the Voice I long to hear. Even as I am writing, I remember the days when I would have gladly chosen any of those over the one most necessary. I have struggled with several aspects of my journey to Espana. He knows every one and his eyes have not been far from me. But they felt far from me. So I have been waiting for him to speak. "What do I do? What should I say? Whom do I tell of your works?" When finally, my searching eyes fell across the words above. I was reminded of all the He has brought me through during my time in college. There has been no mistaking his activity and purpose in my life. But as this chapter of my life closes and a new chapter sits atop the coming horizon, I can't help but wonder where His story fits into the scene. He reminded me that I was once that straying sheep and that my return has not been because I brought myself back or because I overcame but because He was the Shepherd and Guardian of my soul. And even in my return, He remains the one who does the action. I struggle because I am a woman of action. I long to be doing something. These are just a few thoughts you may find amusingly familiar, "Ok, time is running out. I am supposed to be doing x,y, and z and this is how I've been taught to do it. I know you are supposed to be the Provider but am I supposed to just sit here and wait for your plan? Can't I just do what everyone else is doing? If I don't take their advice then they will think I'm not being teachable or that I'm just being lazy. This is really a critical time!! Where are you??? I'm trying to listen to you and find out what you want me to do but it's getting really difficult!"
All the while He longs for me to be still. I want to submit to His will but I do not want to wait. My flesh wants to do, do, do; while the Spirit within me seeks to follow Truth. The trick is trying to stuff my will down into the dark crevice where it belongs.The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Make no provision for the flesh. I am afraid of who I am without His words. I am afraid of the fleshly works I could create and label with spiritual expressions. I am afraid of creating my own idol and making my own way. So I wait with anticipation for his solution, his answer. The words of Jeremiah seem so fitting now:

"Now the word of YHWH came to me saying, 'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations.' Then I said, 'Alas, Adonai! Behold, I do not know how to speak, because I am a youth.' But YHWH said to me, 'Do not say, 'I am a youth,' because everywhere I send you, you shall go, and all that I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them, For I am with you to deliver you...Behold, I have put My words in your mouth."

In all of my fear and uncertainty, His still small voice reminded me that I am a messenger of Living Truth. He has put His words in my mouth. I do not have to be afraid because He is with me. Fear paralyzes us and prevents us from continuing to build. But the Truth sets us free to resume work on the task in front of us. I don't have to make a sales pitch or pretend to be someone I'm not- I just have to tell His story, to proclaim the favorable year of the one who has sent me.

"And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when face with death."

"For from the days of old they have not heard or perceived by ear, nor has the eye seen a God besides you who acts on behalf of those who wait for him."

We are the builders- those who seek God. Those who must build from the Cornerstone. Those who must surrender their will and obey. For without our obedience, we become like the builders who rejected the Cornerstone and stumbled over Him.


As I enter into this new era of my life, I consider the theme that surrounds it. There is a time to "pluck up and break down, to overthrow and destroy, to build and to plant."This is the time to build and to plant. There will be Oil of gladness instead of mourning, a garland instead of ashes-a planting of the year of Adonai. "And they shall be called oaks of righteousness that He may be glorified."

Thank you for hearing me. You counsel me with your eye upon me. You have heard my distress and answered me. Thank You for planting Your vision within me and directing me to carry out your commands. Teach me to fear only You. When I fear man, my flesh is strengthened and I lose sight of your vision. Ayudame, Senor. Necessito solo Tu. I am refreshed in you. Tu eres el Guardador de mi Alma. You are the Guardian of my soul.

Cattle on a Thousand Hills

The past few weeks have seemed like a whirlwind. After I got home, my family and I spent some time relaxing together at one of our favorite vacation spots in the Ozark Mountains. From there, I traveled to Dallas for some work for a few days. While I was there, I got a chance to catch up with an old friend. We visited with family and even went to a Cowboys game. Needless to say, it was a great stress reliever! I'm not really a huge sports fan but it was nice to see the Cowboys beat the Broncos. As I mentioned before, I got a chance to visit with several new faces. It was so refreshing to visit with them and hear about the work that our Shepherd is doing in other parts of the country. Definitely my favorite part of the trip.

There were also a few pleasant surprises regarding my support raising. Two people told me that they would like to support me while I am in Spain and when I returned home, I found check in the mail from another surprise supporter. Then, I went to a baby shower on Sunday and was able to briefly catch up with some dear people from church who said that they would both financially and prayerfully support me. When I think about it all, I feel so overwhelmed. My Friend knows how much I dislike this process and how much I would rather just share His vision with people. I feel so blessed to rest in his provision.

I must admit that I had not asked Him about what my role in this process should be. I found myself, once again asking for his forgiveness and longing to learn His way throughout every part of this journey with Him. It is so unnatural for me to think about including him in every decision- small or large. He is so other than anyone I have ever known. I'm thankful for his patience with me and willingness to teach me through my mistakes.

My Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills... may my words match the way I live my life.

Everything to Lose

I was reminded of someone today. Someone I dearly wish to forget but somehow cannot. This someone has successfully wounded me in every possible way. Completely untrustworthy and completely dangerous if left to her own devices.

Guilty of all the above: Me.

I was reminded of this "old man" this morning while sharing the story of how God rescued me from myself with someone I love very much. And again reminded tonight as I was driving my little brother home after a late movie. I was trying to explain the power of the Sword- how it divides bone and marrow, yet brings the deepest healing. I was explaining how it has the power to cut our flesh when he gave a dramatic "ouch!" I couldn't help but smile. I continued (somewhat in vain) to explain that our flesh metaphorically refers to our sinful nature or "natural man." I'm not exactly sure how much a 10 year old little brother can understand about metaphors but at least I tried, right?

Our whole conversation got me thinking about who I used to be. The "old man," or should I say woman, that I am so desperate to say goodbye to...on a much more permanent rather than temporary basis. John's words played through my head, "He must increase, but I must decrease." The closer I get to the spotless Lamb, the more precious those words become. The words become an embodiment of something much more vivid. He who desires to increase in our innermost being will lead us gently to our death. He does not force or coerce. But he simply offers his hand with the question, "Will you go with me even unto death?" Many times I have rejected this tender offer, only to find myself glaring painfully at the person I described above- monstrous, untamed, and wildly out of control. She is everything I never wanted to be. What a desperate place we all find ourselves in when we have rejected the loving hand of our Father. Forgive me!

Thankfully, I find him right where I left him. "Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, behold, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, you are there! If I fly on the wings of the dawn, If I settle on the far side of the sea- even there, your hand will guide me. Your right hand will hold me fast." It is your kindness O Merciful One, that leads me to repentance. You are the good shepherd. When we wander from you, you leave the 99 to find us. When-not if- you find me, you break my leg and place me around your shoulders. During the time it takes to heal, the sheep is carried by the shepherd everywhere. When the leg has healed, the shepherd puts it down with the rest of the herd. The sheep will never leave the shepherd because he lay his head on the shepherds heart during his healing. He does not forget the one who rescued him.

The "cutting" or removal of this old body is painful, but the gain is priceless. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?

Do not resist his calling. You have everything to lose and eternity to gain.